Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
