Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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