Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
