well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
