Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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