Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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