But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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