I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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