I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
