Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
