Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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