i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
