Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
