if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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