Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
