I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
