also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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