yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
