you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
