WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
