I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
