My liver just broke up with me...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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