I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
