I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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