So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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