i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
