HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This house was built for laser tag.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Im part way to drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
