how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
