When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
