First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
