I love black thongs
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
