If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
