I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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