I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
