I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
