I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
