yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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