This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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