I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
