some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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