Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
