i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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