Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
