i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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