Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
