i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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