she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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