Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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