You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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