I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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